So... Tuesday night, I finally have a few work-free, rehearsal-free nights and how do I spend them? Plopped down on the sofa with homework, a glue gun, cat eye glasses, and a dvd from the library. I rented
The Adventures of Priscilla; Queen of the Desert from the school library. It's just as good as Netflix, it just requires some walking...at night...in the damp. But a movie about dragqueens is better than the alternative of driving around aimlessly. I thought about going home, like HOME, not just to my little apartment.
It was a very entertaining movie. The banter kept me laughing and quite distracted from my hum-drum and rather disappointing day. Haven't been able to spend much time with the boyfriend. There always seems to be something he has to do or I have to do or something like that. And the time we spend together isn't real time, we just seem to be doing the same thing at the same time - playing WOW or eating or getting ready for bed- it's not exactly quality time. I hardly see him during the day and then at night I get a phone call asking to see me. If it weren't for the fact we hardly get intimate, I sound like I'm falling for a booty call.
He's been going to therapy, which is supposed to help, all it seems to do is make him unbearably solemn and upset and a terrible recluse. I try to get him to go out, be social, but he wont even go to the W (a youth-group club we belong to and used to hang out at, we actually met there for the first time). Of course, when one of his GUY friend's says he feels offended that Sydney doesn't want to go to the W, he says he'll try to go more often. I get so frustrated with him sometimes.
Like today, he went to therapy and refused to go out and canceled the plans we made because he got pulled into that depression again. It's not good for him. or me. I feel so disconnected and shunned when he breaks plans like that. It's hard enough to just get him to MAKE plans. I feel like Jareth from Labyrinth.
"I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am
exhausted from living up to your expectations of me."
It doesn't help that it is my time of the month. I've been extra emotional the past couple of days and cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when plans don't work out or I make Sydney mad or he breaks plans with me. He has all this cliche-bull-shit advice when I complain too. I wish he'd take his own advice. I don't know who's worse here; the hormonal cry-baby or the spoiled recluse.
I don't want Sydney to use his father's death as a crutch. I'm terrified of that because it happened to my godfather who never got his life back on track after that. Both of them have so much potential for success...or failure depending on how they handle things.
I myself, had a breakdown about the correctness in my major choice, sometimes I don't feel good at it at all and wonder what I'm doing here. I have no idea where I am going after this. When I was 13 and pictured myself at 23, I was married with a house and a devestatingly successful fashion line. We've somehow gotten off the road and ended up at Krispy kreme with an apartment and a boyfriend who is fearful of settling down 'so young'.
It's not all bad. I befriended a black and white stray who lives near the school. I can visit him and share my left overs and pet him. He's a bit boney. I'd love to take him home to Mother and put fluffy feet back in my home house.
