I Feel Lost

Lost: adjective

1. No longer possessed or retained: lost friends.

2. no longer to be found: lost articles.

3. having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children.

4. not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage.

5. being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.

 

I used to think I'd get married. I never really thought about the who or when or where. I just supposed that one day I'd be married to somebody I love that also loves me and even though it'd be a lot of work, we'd be happy. I'm 24. I have witnessed 11 couples commit to each other, through marriage or an engagement. It makes me feel left out. It's not just the wedding thing, 6 of those couples didn't have a wedding, and only two had a "big" wedding. If I wanted a flwery party and a white dress, I'd just BUY it. But, I want to share my life with someone. When I broach the subject with my significant other of 2 years (true, we went through a few breaks) he panics and asks me why I want him to die.

 

That should be a red flag. Maybe I'm too absorbed to realize he's too immature. I feel Lost. I have lost my way and am bewildered. My time has not been used to good purpose. I could be married twice over if I didn't childishly insist it's to someone I love. I don't joke on that. I was pursued by a great guy with a good job, his own house, and the will to bring me the moon if I asked for it.

 

After that, I became the muse to a good old-fashioned country boy, who was eager to hold onto me and save me for himself. Although his family was broken, he had a good heart, and at least would have tried to make me happy.

 

No, I fall in love with a man who is really a child, nursing old wounds from his parents' divorce and holding on to his teenage angst like a pitbull to a steak. Most likely, he will need one more year to realize he needs to straighten up and get his act together. Then a year after that to get his act together, then a year to see if the 'new' him and the 'old' me still match up, then, maybe maybe he'd think about the remote possibility of getting married.

 

I'm flirting with the idea of being engaged to myself. After all, I entertain myself best. I'm a great date and know exactly what I want to hear. It'll help me hold my other dates to a higher standard and prevent feeling lost. Even if I never find someone wonderful enough to break up with myself for, Me and I can be happy together.