Something is soooo wrong with me.

So after a while I put up a dating profile, just to test the waters. A few nibbles, a lot of gars and minnows. No marlins. One guy seemed okay but he confided he had a mental illness that I'm not mature enough to handle in a relationship. Now another other guy is attractive and interesting but there's about a 10 year age difference. He's a musician and probably no good. I wish I wasn't attracted to relationships that wont work.

Homeward bound Headache

I move back home in a few days. Its cheaper to live at home while I work and easier to save up money but will it be easier on 'me'? I wasn't on the phone but 4 minutes before my dad and I got into it. I got short with him and he blew up. I didn't add fuel to the fire but I didn't push away any near-fallen brush or sticks either. This is only going to get worse and I'm really afraid that he and I and sometimes my mom will fight all the time.

My dad doesn't understand that even though I have a college degree, it doesn't mean people will automatically hire me. I might have a better chance than a highschooler or student to get a job but it's a circumstancial. I should have just gone home tonight and avoided the entire conversation. He asks when I'd like to move my furniture home but then he add limitations on when he can or can't. He wont take off one day during the week to help me move and thanks to his new and strange religious addiction, he has an issue with moving on Sunday. WTF? Apparently that's "work" not "rest".

I dont want to move home but its so freaking hard to make it on my own. I haven't had to do this on my own, I've always had help. In the long run, I think it has seriously hurt my survival ability . I better just start lookng for work when I get there instead of lulling around. I have a plan to work for Agent Provacateur overseas in about 6 years. It's not so difficult. I need 2 years experience in luxury retail (the mall) and then 2 years managing experience (AP in NY or Miami) then I have to pass a foreign language proficiency test to go overseas and if I work hard and do well I can become a manager or work in the hq in London.

It's just an option. .. . . . .. I've tried okay? I've really tried to figure out what I can do for work that I will enjoy and take me places I want to go. Sometimes I feel like I just wasted 4 years of my life getting a degree that isn't going to help me. I really wish I'd gone into something like Busines or stuck with Fashion Merchandising and not gotten swayed into theatre.

There's really no where great to work in my hometown. It's all pretencious unless you're flipping burgers at the fastfood joint. Waitressing at the steak place wouldn't be so bad...if my hometown wasn't so cheap! Seriously, if you can't afford a tip, you can't afford to eat out. It's really rude! There was a clerical job at a lawyer's office, but it's an hours drive to get there at 9 am. or is it 8? I want to go overseas. I'm tired of being stuck in these little towns. All the Theaters are made of people who consider themselves FAR more talented than they really are. It's the same people in every production.

In any case, I better just go ahead and get a part time thing somewhere just so I'm not around my dad so much. He's poisoned against me. He doesn't see me, he sees a mini-version of my mom, so if I get short with him or irritate him, he takes out all his anger against my mom on me. This is going to be a hellalong summer.

Been a while

It's been a while since I last wrote something out. My boyfriend and I are still going strong. I have graduated and am in the process of moving back to my parents' house. It will be easier to save money if I live with them while I find work. I will miss this place. I have lived here for 4 and a half years. Mostly, I will miss the friends I have made.

Today, I am feeling under the weather. My nose is all stuffy and sniffly and I have a slight cough. My boyfriend left for Africa for his college class Monday morning. I miss him a lot and wish I knew that he is okay. Tanzania has little to zero cell phone coverage. I haven't heard from him since he got on a plane from Dallas.

I worry about him. Please pray that he is well and returns safely. Maybe he will come back changed for the better. He needs this tough experience to help him through his depression over his dad's passing. It will help get him in shape and improve his outlook on life.

Meanwhile, I will also be doing some reflecting on my material possessions and taking up yoga and a better fitness program.

Back to the Korean Dramas

This go around....? Playful Kiss!!

Cute story with the most aggravating characters. Not so smart girl likes super smart, super cute, super talented boy. Boy dislikes girl. Boy's dad and Girl's dad are best friends. So when Ha Ni (the girl)'s house is destroyed in an earthquake, she and her dad move in with Baeuk Seung Jo (the boy) and his folks. Slowly, the boy grows 'accustomed to her face' while his mom adores Ha Ni. All the while, Ha Ni has been just pitifully and pathetically trying to get Seung Jo to like her. (( DUring all this, there is an adorable delinquint who adores Ha Ni. He isn't very smart but he is honest, kind, cute, and chivalrous.))

Bong Joon Gu (adorable delinquint) starts working for Ha Ni's dad at his noodle shop. At college, a super cute super smart girl shows up and Seung Jo seems to be into her...somewhat. She is SO MEAN to Ha Ni. If Ha Ni doesn't start showing some moxie, she'll drop to a Bella-Twilight level for me.

oooooooooh! How I wish she would forget about the cold boy and go for the adoring one. I would.....*glances over* I'm trying to anyway. Sydney flips.... constantly.

Solidarity and Priscilla

So... Tuesday night, I finally have a few work-free, rehearsal-free nights and how do I spend them? Plopped down on the sofa with homework, a glue gun, cat eye glasses, and a dvd from the library. I rented The Adventures of Priscilla; Queen of the Desert from the school library. It's just as good as Netflix, it just requires some walking...at night...in the damp. But a movie about dragqueens is better than the alternative of driving around aimlessly. I thought about going home, like HOME, not just to my little apartment.

It was a very entertaining movie. The banter kept me laughing and quite distracted from my hum-drum and rather disappointing day. Haven't been able to spend much time with the boyfriend. There always seems to be something he has to do or I have to do or something like that. And the time we spend together isn't real time, we just seem to be doing the same thing at the same time - playing WOW or eating or getting ready for bed- it's not exactly quality time. I hardly see him during the day and then at night I get a phone call asking to see me. If it weren't for the fact we hardly get intimate, I sound like I'm falling for a booty call.

He's been going to therapy, which is supposed to help, all it seems to do is make him unbearably solemn and upset and a terrible recluse. I try to get him to go out, be social, but he wont even go to the W (a youth-group club we belong to and used to hang out at, we actually met there for the first time). Of course, when one of his GUY friend's says he feels offended that Sydney doesn't want to go to the W, he says he'll try to go more often. I get so frustrated with him sometimes.
Like today, he went to therapy and refused to go out and canceled the plans we made because he got pulled into that depression again. It's not good for him. or me. I feel so disconnected and shunned when he breaks plans like that. It's hard enough to just get him to MAKE plans. I feel like Jareth from Labyrinth.

"I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am
exhausted from living up to your expectations of me."

It doesn't help that it is my time of the month. I've been extra emotional the past couple of days and cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when plans don't work out or I make Sydney mad or he breaks plans with me. He has all this cliche-bull-shit advice when I complain too. I wish he'd take his own advice. I don't know who's worse here; the hormonal cry-baby or the spoiled recluse.

I don't want Sydney to use his father's death as a crutch. I'm terrified of that because it happened to my godfather who never got his life back on track after that. Both of them have so much potential for success...or failure depending on how they handle things.

I myself, had a breakdown about the correctness in my major choice, sometimes I don't feel good at it at all and wonder what I'm doing here. I have no idea where I am going after this. When I was 13 and pictured myself at 23, I was married with a house and a devestatingly successful fashion line. We've somehow gotten off the road and ended up at Krispy kreme with an apartment and a boyfriend who is fearful of settling down 'so young'.

It's not all bad. I befriended a black and white stray who lives near the school. I can visit him and share my left overs and pet him. He's a bit boney. I'd love to take him home to Mother and put fluffy feet back in my home house.

No Escape

I thought after highschool I'd never get trapped again. I'd never be tied down to a place. Enter College. Thanks. I'm probably stir crazy because this is my last year. My last year to get everything as close to right as it can be. The boyfriend wont be graduating, he's two years behind me, if not three. His own doing, I assure you. What happens to us after this? What if I go somewhere far away where he can't follow? Or shouldn't follow? We part ways...just like that. Unless I get knocked up, and that'll ruin everything.

I have too many people saying I should break it off with him. I don't know what's stopping me, other than, I still love him. I want to try to make it work with him, even though we are so different. Really different. Like Democratic 80s punk wanna be and Republican flower child different. Eventually, we want the same things but we want them at different times.

I feel like I should be getting engaged or making moves best for my career. And since he's too young to get engaged, Making moves for my career are starting to include spending less time with him as a side-affect. So hungry. I better go eat before I get sick. The smell of all the sweet stuff at work is actually making me puke.

Palm Springs

Current boyfriend has returned. Life returns to normal. We had a few shaky moments his first day back but that only kicked us into the auto-drive. We spent a wonderful day with food, friends, and a funny movie. Few know how happy I was to wake up this morning with a handsome, irritating man asleep in my bed. I love him so much. I really do. I know he has his bad points but time can change him. And I think he wants to change himself. He's decided to get more involved in his fraternity. This fall I think he will get a job and his liscense and get his car and start getting his act together.

I can't just quit the relationship because he's been gone or because there are some things about him that drive me crazy. Not yet anyway. He wants to take me to Palm Springs for my birthday ^^. SQUEEE!

I'll have to talk it out with my family though.